Resentment is a Road Map

Resentment can be a road map pointing toward a boundary that may need to be set, a need that is unmet, or some kind of self-care that is lacking in your life. 

When you catch yourself having thoughts of “that must be nice” (you know that snarky voice you hear in your head - or say outloud - when someone is enjoying something you don’t have), pause for a moment and ask yourself what it would be like if you could have that too. 

I remember years ago, this feeling came up for me.

One of my friends was describing running an errand during the day and being able to take her daughter lunch at school. I love this friend dearly, but I had the “that must be nice” thought pop into my head. I didn’t feel great about this. I wanted her to be able to do this - to have the flexibility to be there for her daughter when she needed her, and that twinge of jealousy felt terrible.

For most of us, myself included, jealousy and resentment are pretty unpleasant and bring an added layer of shame.

At the time I was teaching full time and going to grad school and I was always running on fumes. It wasn’t possible for me at the time to step away from work to run an errand or take my kids lunch… I could barely make time to eat or go to the bathroom while I was at work.

I started thinking about my values. If resentment is a road sign, what was it pointing to? 

I realized that FREEDOM was a value I had that was not a part of my life at the time.

Freedom to dictate how my day was spent. How scheduled or unscheduled my work life was. 

I wanted to be able to stop during the day and pick my kid up from school. Or go for a walk. Get coffee with a friend. I wanted to schedule my work in a way that felt sane and left time for all the important parts of my life.

Although the change didn’t happen overnight, my resentment helped me understand what I wanted, which eventually led to the realization that I could start taking some small steps toward creating that life. 

A great first step is just noticing. Pay attention to when you feel resentful of what others have. Notice jealousy.

Practice developing awareness of those feelings without judgment. Imagine you’re an anthropologist exploring your own feelings. Be curious, not judgmental.

And if you want help reading the road signs of your own resentment, or the next steps to take to create the life you want, I’m here to help.

Click “Request a Session” to send me a message and we can set up a time to talk.