What do I Even Want?
One of the ways my family celebrates birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day is by letting the person who is being celebrated make all the decisions that weekend. You pick the movie we watch, where we go out to eat, fun activities, what board game we play, what we make for breakfast and so on. You are the Queen or King of the house for the weekend.
My partner and kids love this, but for years I secretly hated it.
Because my weekend would roll around and it was like the part of my brain that knew what I really enjoyed was just too foggy to even know. I couldn’t decide. My partner would feel frustrated because how do you pamper someone who doesn’t know what they want?
Being so out of touch with my own pleasure and desires was disturbing for me too… I felt like I had lost myself. I had spent so many years making sure everyone else was ok and constantly monitoring the emotional and physical needs of everyone in my home that I lost track of what I wanted. So when it was time to pick a movie or a restaurant, I couldn’t stop considering what everyone else would want. It was like the part of me that knew what I loved had atrophied and didn’t work.
As parents, and especially as moms, we put aside our own needs for our children. It starts when we’re pregnant and suddenly our body isn’t even our own anymore. We take the special vitamins, avoid alcohol and sushi, and start constantly thinking in terms of what does this baby need? When they’re born we sacrifice sleep, sit-down dinners, private time, and so many things we took for granted before they came along. Multiply this by years of caring for others and a culture that celebrates women being selfless and giving (and shames them for putting their own needs first) and it’s easy to see why this happens.
When we first start prioritizing ourselves again, it can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, and even anger. But the process of uncovering yourself is always worth it. If you want some help along the way, please give me a call or reach out to a local therapist (if you’re not in Texas). Having someone help you begin to gently prioritize your deepest desires can be profound and liberating. You deserve it.
