Missing Annoying Things?

This morning I went to use the bathroom and found myself repeating an old habit - stepping widely around the toilet to avoid stepping in pee.

Our dog, Blue, who died last fall, used to pee on the side of the toilet. 

This was gross and annoying - that this house-trained sweetie would sneak into the bathroom and pee on the base of the toilet once or twice a week. 

We used to joke that he was so smart that he was just trying to go where everyone else went. 

I don’t miss stepping in pee, but this morning I had this little oof of sadness. 

I miss Blue so much - even the little things that used to drive me crazy about him.

And then I thought about my mom. She’s been gone for 10 years now, but thinking about Blue reminded me how she used to drink diet sodas and she could never finish one. So she would wad up a paper towel, put it in the opening, and stick it in the fridge in an effort to keep it carbonated. I don’t believe that she ever went back and drank one and sometimes we would forget they were there. The can would get knocked over when we were shoving in some leftovers or a gallon of milk. This always made a big mess and I would ask her why she kept doing this - just finish it! Or pour it out! 

But I would give so much to open the fridge today and find one of her half-empty cans there, the little paper towel poking out of the top. 

Grief is funny that way. Over time it becomes mostly love and less pain. 

Even the most annoying things become dear. 

It was always love though, wasn’t it? Because if it wasn’t always love, it wouldn’t be grief. 

And grief changes us. Because once you’ve lost someone, you live with this awareness that you can lose anyone. 

And I wonder what annoying things I’ll miss about the people I love someday. And maybe how to turn down the volume of my aggravation and be more loving in the moment. To allow those little quirks to be dear right now, and not wait until they’re gone. 

If you need help navigating your grief journey, whatever stage you’re in, I would love to help. 

Please just click “request a session” and we can schedule a time to chat.