Grief is a Bag of Knives

Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

- Jamie Anderson

Grief is like a bag of knives that you carry around on the inside. No matter how you move throughout the day, it’s there, tearing you up, but no one can see it. 

So how do you survive the loss of a loved one? A deep and profound time of grieving?

There are many things that help: therapy, talking with friends and family, journaling, taking care of yourself as best as possible (sleep, nourishing food, allowing extra rest), allowing yourself to cry, and leaning on the wisdom and experience of people who have been in your shoes.

Therapy can seem pointless if you already have loving, supportive people in your life to talk to, but I’ll share why it made such a huge difference for me. 

When I lost my mom many years ago, I lost my best friend and the person I most needed to support me. Most of my friends had never lost a parent and didn’t understand what I was going through. My husband wanted to help, but not only was he grieving as well, but my grief affected him. We were parenting partners and my deep grief meant that he was doing more. My dad and brother were dealing as best as they could and weren’t usually able to hold space for my pain - theirs was already too much. 

Therapy allowed me to have the space I needed to be exactly where I was while receiving loving support from someone who was not involved in the complexities of my life and not sharing in my grief. I didn’t have to hold back any part of my experience for fear of hurting or overwhelming them. I felt seen and understood and could say things that I would have felt embarrassed or ashamed of with someone else. 

And that bag of knives? 

Well, grief never fully goes away in my experience.

We don’t ever “get over it” or “move on”. 

But what I’ve found is that grief gets softer. Less sharp. It becomes something you can live with without being torn apart on the inside all the time. There will eventually be more peace and less pain. Some days will still be hard. (I’ve learned to stay off social media around Mother’s Day, for example.) 

I would never wish to have lost my mom. I still miss her every single day.

AND… I am both stronger and more compassionate from having survived losing her. I am able to show up and sit with people - both clients and friends - in their loss. I don’t shrink away from their pain. I know that I (and you) can survive what doesn’t feel survivable. 

I know that grief will change you, but that someday you’ll be like a phoenix and will rise up from the ashes of your life. Profoundly changed, but whole again. 

Let me know if you need some extra support. You don’t have to do it alone.